About Another Year I Ended Up Alone and Brokenhearted

5. února 2017 v 21:19 | Veronika |  That Czech Girl Said
It's sad how the history repeats itself. Another January just passed by and I'm alone and brokenhearted again. A man that I loved broke up with me over online chat. I'm almost scared that this is the beginning of some very cruel tradition.


Half a year ago I shared here my happy, almost fairytale-like story. What was at the very beginning a penpal friendship happened to be an ultimate romantic journey. I felt in love with a man from the other side of the world and I followed my heart to him. I was happy to see him and actually be with him two times in his own country. But after I came back home to Prague, this happiness ended.

It wasn't something that came straight from nowhere, it wasn't a terrible surprise. This "break up" phase took us the whole January. I don't know how many nights I cried myself to sleep, how many times I begged him to talk to me, just to know what's going on, how to fix it... But we didn't succeed and my last words to him were angry, bitter and really, really sad. When you're brokenhearted, it's like you're blind. But I'm not sure if I could do better if I had another chance to say goodbye to him.

Since I got back home and read the stuff I wrote in the USA into my blog... I realized that I haven't been writing about experiences with my man at all. I was afraid that when I'll write it down, someone will point to me that there is something weird. When I'm looking back into our past, maybe I could predict this. But I don't think that my disappointment would be lesser.

Every beautiful and romantic memory I had just completely turned upside down in my head and I don't know what was real and what was just a sham. For the first time in my life, I thought that I met a man that I could live with and be happy. I can't count how many times he told me that he loves me, that he wants to live with me, one day (maybe?) even marry me. It was just too beautiful, like a fairytale. We had plans what we are going to do this summer, he planned to visit me in my hometown. Before I left back to Europe, he offered me to leave some of my clothes in his place - and it felt like there is a space for me not just in his closet but even in his heart. Probably sounds pretty lame, I know. But even this small thing made me so GOB DAMN happy.

The man I was in love with was also sometimes very confusing. I can't count how many times he pushed my hand away when I wanted to touch him, or just kiss him. This cold side of him made me sad and worried... When I asked if there is something wrong, he always reassured me that he loves me and everything is alright. Still, I didn't know how to deal with it. But I chose to trust him and enjoy the best things.

After three months of living together under one roof, I got back home. I knew that we need to get back to our own worlds - you know, do "important stuff", like making a money. I started another job hunt and I really missed my guy.

Christmas and New year passed by and I started to feel that there is something wrong. It seemed like my man doesn't have a time anymore to talk or chat with me. First I was afraid that it's just an imagination of my sad stupid depressing attitude. When you're in a long-distance relationship, you don't have anything else than a chat and calls with your beloved person. The best reward after a long day is to see the other one's smile on your camera.

I realized that if I won't write, he won't do it as well. I started to feel ashamed for every message like I was interrupting him from important meetings with clients and colleagues. The calls and video chats started to be rare. It was like I'm losing him from my life; like I don't know anything about him. When I wanted to deal with it and I asked what's going on, he told me that nothing changed and that I'm starting to be too depressing for him. I promised that I'll change my attitude. But it didn't change the growing silence between us.

Soon the words like "I love you" stopped to be part of our conversation and it has been replaced with "sorry". It took some time when he said that he's not in love with me anymore and wants us to be apart. I gave up - it was just too painful and I was terribly ashamed that I was such a fool. It's so similar to the end of my last relationship that it hits me right to my guts. Breaking up over the text message starts to be a part of my love life. LOL, what a loser I am.

Probably I don't want to know what was the cause of the end of this "fairy tale". Now I feel like everything that has been told to me was a lie. Or a really cruel joke. But people do change their minds all the time. So I have to move myself as well.

I wish I could wipe out my memories. Or change the past and not going to America for the second time. But it was done and now I feel like I have a hole in my chest. Since last year's March I had a friend who I was talking to literally every day and now he's gone because he changed his mind. It's like I lost a limb, I feel crippled. Everyone says that you learn from experiences like this - but seriously, that's a bullshit.

I don't know if I'll ever do this again. I went around the world with my heart in my hands, but unfortunately, it got broke. I don't think the relationship ended up badly because we found each other on Tinder. It could happen even if I met the guy in the bar. It could happen even if we were from the same country. Now I just really can't see myself dating again for some time. It was too much of disappointment. But I believe that leaving my country and traveling so far away, actually living in the foreign state made me somehow stronger. And I know that I want to do this again. Also, I've met a couple of incredible people that I will remember in my heart till the end of my life. Fantastic man T.P., so bright and jolly, stunning woman S.O. with beautiful smile and spirit... I wish I could meet them once again - in the United States, here in the Czech Republic or anywhere else in the world. I literally felt in love with them and maybe one day we will make a few new memories together.

"I only want the best for you," was one of the phrases he used a lot at the very end of our relationship. By that he meant that I should stay in my country, do a college degree and have a well-paid work. Well, I knew that the best for me is to be happy. And I was happy with him. My mistake it wasn't the same idea as his. I'll have to fight with my sadness and loneliness for some time, but I have some plans for my future - and glob, finally, I have a new work that I really like. So even when I'm sobbing into my pillows from time to time, life doesn't suck completely. I know, it was better - and I will miss the days I was actually happy. But life goes on. And even without love, I can go out for some new adventure.

Thank you for reading and all great support you guys gave to me since I started to write this blog. Also, I have to thank to my family - sometimes we have different opinions but they care about me. And that makes me feel warm again in my crippled heart. Next time I hope my new story will be better one. Thank you once again!
 

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